8:46pm: Wow, it's been literally two weeks since my last update here and things happened most definitely but I don't want to put more work into backlogging every day because I have stuff written in my journal anyway.

Now that I'm back, I have been feeling very mixed emotions towards this site and it doesn't feel good tbh. I mean, I created this site self-indulgingly but I feel like I'm paralyzed by the social media-like stats of followers and having that number ever present in my dashboard whenever I open it. I came to neocities to escape the algorithm and social media so I can be more unapologetically myself but whenever I post something and it doesn't get as much traction than I expected, I admit I feel down about it... which is so frustrating because I'm just going back to my old habits of being obssessed with numbers and stats. And so I ended up thinking of putting out stuff that would probably get someone interested in me but that just entirely defeats the purpose of this site. Some ideas that I come up with doesn't feel me anymore and it's saddening. But even then I feel humble about the sites I admire following me back, and even sites that follow me first and I end up admiring them upon checking out their sites, and I want to maintain that connection so much, but also feeling like I have to shape myself in a way that pleases people. Yeah, I'm a chronic people pleaser and it's such a hard habit to break when I've been that way since I was young. I thought I'd be able to care less about what other people think of me and be more self-indulgent with my hobbies here in my personal website but I fear I'm going back to square one haha... it sucks and it feels silly being a downer here but I want to just air out all of these feelings somewhere.

Hopefully one of these days I can push through this uncomfortable feeling and rediscover that same passion I had when I first created this site.

11:50pm: Happy 2.2 version update day!! I thought it was yesterday but lmao I was too excited for Harmony!Stelle. I woke up today around 7am and messaged Gako a good morning text, then he replied that he went afk for a bit so he didn't hear if I said something in call and I was like, HUH. I totally forgot that I fell asleep in call while I was watching him play more Legaia 2! Then he surprised me by talking, he's still in the call... omg. I just! idk I was so happy hearing his voice first thing in the morning. It felt like he was right there beside me u//u He was just grinding levels ingame while I was going in and out of eepy town. I completely woke up around 10am and had breakfast. We were in call until 12pm, he went to sleep because he still has work while I ate lunch. After lunch I immediately logged in HSR and did 20 pulls on Robin and of course she didn't come home LOL I'm still debating if I'll skip Boothill for Firefly (I just saw her combat video the other day and gkhdkgj she's so cool!!), we'll see!

I played through the new TB quest until 8pm and holy crap what a conclusion! I legit felt goosebumps and teary-eyed at the boss fight. I'll hold back from saying spoilers here and write a separate blog post for it but it's so, so good! Hoyoverse you fucker, you've done it again. Yet another storyline that altered my brain chemistry. I still have so much feels rn! Anyway, first impression: the Penacony arc's theme really reminded me of Endwalker 'the indomitable will of humanity against all odds' concept and I will eat it up any time!! But of course, they went about it in different ways (Endwalker's more on nihilism, while Penacony was about hedonism). It's stories like these that make me feel alive and human. I love video game writing so much... T_T

10:03pm: Today's hyperfixation is... making fabric covers for Traveler's Notebook. I finally got around making a youtube playlist on journal, I realized sooner that I actually didn't need to export my watch history and stuff because I would definitely remember the video if it left an impact on me. I was browsing my April watch history when I found this tutorial on how to make fabric covers without sewing, it all seemed so easy until I searched for the materials used and lol of course it's only available in not-Asian countries. I literally spent an hour just searching for an available alternative but eventually gave up... for now! I'll definitely get back to it. I don't know why but DIY projects really butters my croissant, seeing people create things makes me so happy and make me feel like I can do it myself.

For some reason I can't remember now, I went through each folders in my Drive and found... screenshots from 2017! omfg, this is actually an ancient fossil. And what's better, I found the LINE chat history when Gako and I just started dating and it's so funny how we were so mushy months into the relationship (we still are mushy 6 years later). Reading through our past convos made me cringe LOL i'm crying how and why Gako loved me still even if I was like... that LOL I'm so happy I archive and preserve memories both physically and digitally, I don't want to feel regret thinking I can't recall something and I wouldn't have other tangible/visible proof especially because of my memory issues. This also reminded me to put away my stuff from Google Drive to like a local storage once I get an external hard drive because I read recently that Google sometimes lose random files out of nowhere.

I also discovered anytype today which is like a better Notion and Evernote that puts great emphasis on privacy. I almost quit though because it does seem simple but I couldn't wrap my head around the new terms LOL I spent the entire afternoon trying to understand it and make it the way I want it. I wanted to make it my second brain but I'm still an analog person through and through, so I just restarted from default, made everything simple and transferred my WIPs from my Drive to anytype. me begging for my brain to cooperate with my want to write. If publishing fic good, why write process bad.

12:24pm: I watched Gako stream Legaia 2 as he was able to successfully emulate it and it's been a while since I watched him play a game. I always tell him he would make a good Twitch streamer or something because he's so funny with all his commentations LOL but he said he can only be this silly around me.

2:20pm: I know I wasn't going crazy omfg I finally found this missing youtube video I've been looking everywhere for thanks to scrolling tumblr, it was unlisted as expected but I'm just glad it wasn't lost media. My brain can finally rest!! I immediately watched it and took some notes because who knows until when it will be up in their channel. I'm inspired again by their creativity so I spent my day today with my notebooks. I noticed lately ever since I uninstalled Twitter, my days have been more intentional and fulfilling instead of the endless doomscrolling I did all day back then. And having a personal website feels so much more in control of my time on the internet = more brain capacity to internalize the present, especially in real life = less dissociating and memory issues.

10:21pm: Today feels so productive but in a self-indulgent way. I finally caught up with my notebooks and rekindled my connection with them. I feel like I have my shit together again!! \o/

11:43am: I knocked tf out while I was in a videocall with Gako LOL I didn't even mean to! I just closed my eyes and I even heard him call out to me but I was already in epee land. I woke up because I was freezing from the cold and I legit thought I overslept until 6PM or what because it was still dark outside and the lights were on. I was even jumpscared by my own face because my discord videocall was still on. I turned off the AC and checked my phone to see a message from Gako around 1AM saying he's going to hang up now and take a nap. I scrolled a bit on my phone and eventually fell back to sleep. I woke up again at 9AM and finally went downstairs for my morning coffee. I got a random message from Gako asking what my top 5 video games of all time are. I answered: FFXIV, FFVII, Zero Escape: 999, Metal Gear Solid 2, Nier:Automata and we talked a bit about video game nostalgia. (Note to self: his was FFXIV, FFX, CoD Black Ops 2, TF2, Ratchet and Clank 3) I told him when we move in together we should play each other's favorite games. Unfortunately for him he married a JRPG girlie LOL He said he wants to watch me play Legaia 2.

"we can chill at the couch every night"
"chill and eat food and cuddle under the blanket."
"while you watch me grind the same area for hours LOL"

6:01pm: Today I had the idea of taking notes from my favorite youtube videos about journaling, why did I not think of making a journal playlist sooner T_T Anyway, today I learned that I can export my entire youtube watch history in a single file so I spent the whole afternoon just laughing at 2018 me LOL I remembered watching That playlist of shitpost memes, ah the good ol' times. After saving my log pages, I went downstairs because Dad is cooking once again. This time he made bacon-wrapped enoki mushrooms which were good! I took out my leftover waffles a la "chicken and waffles" and put them in the toaster. I should make another batch of waffles... next time I'll put chocolate chips in them.

11:09pm: the bees in my brain are working overtime rn I'm feeling so mushy. "we can call if you want, so you'll see my face more :)" I'm the luckiest girl in the world fr

2:46am: I just got off a video call with Gako and ahhh I miss him so much. It's just one of those days where I feel mushy. With my situation still all up in the air we can't set a date for our next visit yet so that's a bit sad. The more we meet, the more I get impatient in between visits. I don't know how I managed being long distance for 5 years, months seem like years now.

"we've never had the right timing as we planned ever since out twice postponed EB LOL but we always have the perfect timing like how we first met when i started working from home and how you proposed to me on our EB anniversary. i miss you so much and i do wish you're here with me but I know we'll be together again at the perfect time"

3:34pm: My notebook order is here! It still amazes me how it only takes 4 days from China to our province lmaoo I can't wait to write on them, they fit nicely with my covers and I think... I'm an A6 believer now. I get the love for the Hobonichi techo original, should I get it for next year?

9:31pm: I baked cookies in this sweltering heat this afternoon, I was shweating. Dad asked why did I think of baking in this weather and I replied it's better than just rotting on my bed :P My cookies turned out great! It wasn't as I envisioned like the thin subway cookies but they're still crispy on the outside and chewy on the inside as I like it. Mom and dad told me it wasn't too sweet, which is a compliment in our Asian book. While waiting for my cookie dough in the fridge, I managed to complete MOC 11 with 21 cycles left, ily DHIL you're still my best boy.

8:42pm: Apparently I fell asleep with the lights on while I was watching a 3-hour-long video of Korean street food preparation. I woke up in a panic thinking I overslept until 5pm because it was still dark and my lights are on but nope, it was only 5:43am. I played more P5S while I waited for my parents to wake up.

After breakfast my husband replied to my good morning text while I was about to save my blog post. Wait, from now on I'm going to call him Gako here because 'my husband' is a lot to type and I'll most likely talk a lot about him in my entries u//u I told him about the notebooks I kept and how I wrote about the Sakura Angels game he got me as a joke. He asked me what I wrote on July 29 when he confessed to me and we started dating, I double-checked it and I... actually didn't write anything LMAO Maybe I was still giggling to myself and kicking my feet in happiness that I forgot to write anything about it? LOL He was like 'WOW okay I see' and the smooth-talker that I am said, 'it's okay, maybe I didn't write it down because I know I won't ever forget it' which is actually true. I still vividly remember how he dropped the L word as a confession and I laughed in reply. (His words: 'i was so dumb on romance and relationships that it didn't occur to me that like and love are different things)

I had a meeting in the afternoon with my part-time job and I presented the project that I Totally did Not cram the day of the deadline. Everything went well! I had halo-halo again for snack and somehow I'm still not sick of it despite eating it for the fourth time in two weeks.

Also! my Hobonichi covers are here! It's soooo cute in person and I'm really happy I got two of them for a good deal. The seller even included sticker sheets as freebies and a small handwritten note. I can't wait for my notebooks to arrive ahhhh I'm so excited I checked the tracking multiple times today to see if it moved an inch or something LOL

1:21am: Nothing else will make me cry easily than being asked by someone I care a lot with 'are you okay?' when I'm barely holding it together. Spent two hours talking to my husband even though he's at work at this hour. Somehow he figured I was sad about something even when we're thousands of miles away. I don't know how he does it but he always finds the right words to cheer me up when I'm feeling down.

"it meant a lot to me when you said you're proud of me"
"i just said the truth :) i'm always proud of you. i've never been not proud of you. you're the most amazing person i've ever met and i'm always thankful to be the one you direct your love towards. (...) i'm always here to pick you up when you're down and i do that out of the love in my heart for you, because i love to see you happy."

Even though he's no writer, I'm always in awe of how he has a way with words. I must have saved another country in my past life to be loved this sincerely.. ;_;

7:35pm: I decided to pick up Persona 5 Strikers again and lmaoo the gameplay is kicking my ass forreal I left at just before the Monarch boss fight, what perfect timing for someone who hasn't played since September last year! :D I kept on getting game over that the game itself is offering me to lower my difficulty but I'm stubborn so I continued until I eventually defeated Shadow Alice and finally figure out how the gameplay works again.

I love the concept of a summer vacation as a sequel for the P5 cast so much. I can't wait to travel around Japan with them!

10:53pm: Yesterday was emotionally tough but I managed. I definitely felt better after last night's breakdown, nothing that a good cry can't fix :") Woke up pretty late at around 9:45am and I went downstairs to find the house empty, I figured my parents are away again for church duties. I had my morning coffee as always, today was black only because I ran out of milk and I didn't feel like having soy milk. After breakfast I remembered my mental note to go through my boxes to find unused notebooks for my incoming A6 covers so I spent all morning flipping through them (and thinking whoah I wrote that?) and taking pictures for the blog post. They got home by lunch and we had a light meal and I continued writing the post the whole afternoon as I wrestled with jpeg compressors and image hosting sites. I feel like sooner or later I'll end up getting the supporter tier in neocities, I don't want to hop from one site to another just to upload pictures... it seems like a lot of work lol

By 3pm I went downstairs again to make my waffles dream come true and found my dad also making something in the kitchen. I followed a youtube recipe and hoped it ends up edible at least heh Dad asked if I want blueberry syrup to go along with the waffles so I didn't put too much sugar into the batter. I took a picture of the waffle maker I got for Christmas and sent it to my friend who gave it to me. It has been a while since we talked, especially with all the temporary friend group drama (which is already thankfully resolved) so I wanted to reach out to her intentionally. 'i miss you! making waffles always remind me of you'

Mom said the waffles tasted great with the blueberry syrup. I tried one waffle and it was actually better than I thought! Not to toot my own horn but it tasted like something from a legit dessert shop. Us three had like three each so we agreed to skip dinner because we're already full af

Finished writing the blog post at 7pm, goshh it took half of my day and the writing part was actually the fastest. I'm pretty satisfied with how it turned out; I was already tired so I closed my laptop and got on youtube in my ipad while lying down on my bed. I forgot about the Star Rail concert!! I just managed to watch Robin's singer perform 'If I Could Stop One Heart From Breaking' and it was so beautiful hearing it live I was moved to tears T_T The concert's production is amazing, thank you whales for funding. m(-_-)m I waited for Aventurine Boss Theme but they ended the setlist with White Night so I'm still winning either way. For encore they performed the opening theme and I got emotional seeing all the splash arts being shown with the crowd cheering for every character. I laughed when they showed Aventurine and the crowd roared, they're just like me fr.

I watched the replay after the stream ended and Honkai's vocal themes never miss. I loved Interstellar Journey and Wildfire! My basis for a good video game soundtrack is when it takes you back to the scene itself whenever you hear it. Goshh it took me back to Cocolia's boss fight and the song's climax on the third phase. Such a good presentation! Hearing all the weekly bosses themes reminded me to do my weeklies LOL

They didn't show much holograms of the characters, only Kafka and Jing Yuan. I literally screamed when Jing Yuan showed up UHGH that's my mans right there!! okay this is turning into a Star Rail concert blog post but I just have so many feelings about it.It's works of art like these that makes me want to support the game even more, what's better than seeing my stellar jades and top up funds being used for concert production. I really hope one day I can experience a Hoyoverse concert myself!

1:02am: I learned from LuckyEevee's video today that Lili won EVO Japan! As she should! I watched the grand finals match VOD and wow, chikurin's Lili was something else. The combos are so satisfying to watch. I messaged my husband about it and we somehow got into a late night T8 conversation; we agreed Azucena and Victor is annoying to play against. After T8, I told him about Mercy's mythic skin and how I won't be able to get it because I'm away from my PC and he joked when will OW2 get nude skins. That irritated me for some reason so instead of snapping at him (I was sooo close to doing it but held myself back) I just left him at read and went to sleep. I swear I love him dearly but some things he say just rubs me off the wrong way.

9:24pm: I woke up today to our cat meowing outside my room endlessly and I assume it's because he's following my dad everywhere in the house. I opened my laptop after my morning coffee to work on my part-time job project because today's the deadline, leave it to me to cram things on the last minute lol Being busy is work is okay sometimes, my mind is occupied and I can only focus on one thing at a time so my brain doesn't acknowledge the emptiness I feel sometimes randomly throughout the day. I finished it just now, jfc why did I procrastinate so much.. T_T

Not much thoughts today. I'm just thinking about how April is already over in a blink of an eye and I'm still here wasting my days away. I always think of getting my shit together when I'm about to sleep and determined to do everything except rot in bed but I never remember that determination the morning I wake up. I'm tired of being stagnant, I feel like I haven't moved at all from where I was when the year started and it's frustrating to think about it. I feel silly for being so ambitious, so hopeful. I shouldn't have expected a lot so I wouldn't be this disappointed with the way things are in my life right now.

Anyway it's past 9pm so I wouldn't trust anything the ~voices~ in my head tells me. Sonic would be disappointed in me. For context:

Therapy is expensive but this image of Sonic is free and has actually immensely helped me LOL

11:10pm: Finally uninstalled twitter in all of my devices, it's been seriously rotting my brain and I think today has been the last straw. I'm still keeping my account alive as some sort of archive but I don't want to go back there ever again. I want to do something more fruitful and fulfilling with my life and time, instead of the endless doomscrolling everyday.

10:15pm: Today's hyperfixation is... bookbinding lol I really just watched videos about bookbinding for beginners all day just because of a random video that got lost in my feed this morning. The lady explained the process so well that I started thinking, 'I can definitely do that' and wouldn't it be nice to bind my own notebooks? The algorithm has read my thoughts once again (ughhh leave my brain alone omg) because I was just thinking of getting new notebooks for my incoming happy mail :3 I got two secondhand Hobonichi A6 covers that I can't wait to get my hands on, even though I've never been an A6 girlie LOL Even though I want a Hobonichi plain notebook, I can't justify to myself purchasing something that big price-wise for now ;-; I also looked at Midori MD but it's sold out in every online shop I know and trust.

So yeah my youtube feed is basically everything bookbinding now. Like, I highly considered trying it, like buying Tomoe River loose papers online and going to our small town's bookstore for cardstock and just winging the needed equipment to something we have at home. I was sooo close to checking out the loose papers in my cart but then I calculated the total amount of materials and it turned out to be almost twice the price of a new notebook LOL The post-hyperfixation clarity got to me just before the day ended and I remembered I still have a lot of notebooks I haven't used yet. (I want to make a page of my notebook collection.. :"D) I also had an impulsive thought of chopping my A5 Midori notebook in half with our paper cutter but... no I'm not that daring yet. Making a mental note to myself to go through my boxes tomorrow.

I also did my part-time work today, I really need the money. Hopefully... I'm getting paid tomorrow. pls..

In the evening, my parents picked me up after they got home from more church duties and we drove to a family restaurant to celebrate my grandmother's birthday. It's hard to believe she's already 78 now, but she's still living her life freely. We took lots of pictures of her so she can post it on Facebook. It was a bit chaotic (in a good way) but I had fun again today. The food was delicious too; I had kare-kare (my most favorite dish!!) and halo-halo. (I realized I had halo-halo thrice in two weeks and I've never been a halo-halo person, it's just that the heat really is insane lmaoo)

My cramps are also cramp-ing, which means my hemoplague is soon and I'll hate life and myself again yay girlhood

9:34pm: neocities pls let me comment on other people's websites and reply to them,,, T_T

10:08pm: I accompanied my aunt today to the ear clinic to get her hearing aids adjusted. It was supposed to be scheduled last Wednesday and when mom asked me that if I can go with my aunt over lunch, I was a bit hesitant to say yes. I was worried things would be awkward between me and my aunt since (I thought) I don't have much to say to her; we haven't gone out with just the two of us since 2011. Whenever I would go out with her, it was always with mom and they would be the ones doing all the talking. But still, I half-heartedly agreed to it and mom confirmed it with my aunt over a call while I was internally hoping it'll be moved to another date where mom is free and all three of us can go and save me the anxiety and awkwardness. Thankfully she wasn't free that day and she said she'll have it scheduled on the weekend.

I thought I was safe until mom asked me the same thing last night. Turns out she still wasn't available because of church duties. I half-heartedly agreed to it again and hoped it wouldn't be that bad and I pushed through my worries. Even though I was anxious about it, I still made the effort to set an alarm on 7am, 7:05am, 7:30am and 8:00am (our meeting time was 9am), but I still stayed up until 1am watching OWCS loool

I woke up today in a panic thinking I slept through my alarms coz I didn't wake up to any of them and immediately checked my phone: whew, ok it's only 8am, I still have time. I went downstairs to the kitchen where mom was cooking breakfast and I made my coffee. I put too much milk today, and I didn't even know if it's still safe to drink because it's been more than a week since I opened it. We ate a pandesal make-shift sandwich, we're getting more and more used to having no rice in our meals (*crowd cheering*). I finished breakfast and we heard the doorbell ring and it was of course my aunt. I took a bath while she chatted with mom and dad about work stuff that I'll never understand and I'm thinking, 'god I didn't prepare a conversation deck for today I'm screwed'.

I put on a thrifted blouse and a denim skirt, I can dress cute today because we're not going to a hospital (ughh I hate that place). We left at 9am and it was quiet for a bit, I didn't initiate small talk because I really didn't know what to say and I just looked outside at the window watching the scenery. But I know my aunt, she's a conversationalist so she initiated first asking me how I've been, when do I plan to fly to Australia and stuff like that. And from there on, it ended up being an easy conversation between the two of us and we were at the mall before we knew it. We talked about a lot of things: my siblings, her work, when will I get married among other things.

I was so relieved. I feared it would be awkward because we haven't had this kind of hangout ever since she and mom had a falling-out that affected the whole family. They already reconciled on 2019 and I know she has been doing her best to make up for the lost time when she cut us off from her life.

Today was fun. I was worried for nothing! We went shopping, she gave me money to buy makeup (I got a sunscreen because this weather is insane), we ate at an all-you-can-eat Japanese buffet, we went to a lot of clothing stores and laugh at their outrageous prices, we talked about hiking (I told her when I hiked two back-to-back mountains in two days as a total beginner) and I felt closer to her again (like my social link rank with her leveled up LOL). I wish I can tell yesterday me that today was a great day and that she didn't have to worry about it ^^;